Dear Mom,

Yesterday was rough.  I was.  Not.  Feeling it.  At all.  If you could have summed me up in two words, it would have been meh coupled with a side of rage.  It actually amazes me how angry I can still get about all of this.  And quite frankly, I know it's because anger?  Is way more comfortable an emotion than being sad.  If you're angry, then by god, you're righteous!  You deserve to be angry!  If you're sad, what can you do but curl up in a ball in bed and not come out for days.

Except when you have children, and a family, you can't curl up in a ball in bed and not come out for days.  It's just not an option.  People count on you.  People depend on you.  And that goes beyond the immediate family.

I remember the first Christmas after you died.  It happened to be Garrett's first, so it was happy and sad for all of us, all at the same time.  I remember just being...exhausted.  Not just because I had a new kiddo, but because I couldn't even muster up the strength to do Christmas without you.  And I decided that that year, I was giving myself a free pass.  I didn't "have" to do anything.  I didn't have to do anything.  All those things we think we should do?

I didn't do them.  I did whatever I wanted.  Now believe me, I still bought gifts.  I wrapped them, put them under the tree.  We still hosted, cooking way too much food and having way too many desserts in typical Paolo / Kathryn / family fashion.

I think one of my most vivid memories from that whole holiday season was sitting in Andrea's kitchen while she baked cookies...and her house was warm and inviting and smelled like Christmas...and saying to her, "I think I'll do ________" and then saying, "no.  Nope.  I won't.  I'm not doing anything."

Do you know how liberating that was?  To get the holiday down to its bare essence?  To only focus on the really important things?  The things that mattered?  The people that live in my home, the family we have, and the family we make for ourselves?

Case in point.

Yesterday was a very bad, no good day.  Isn't there a children's book with that in it?  Anyway, it was.  I felt everything piling up.  Financial concerns.  Little things Paolo did or didn't do that annoyed me.  Stress over the coming festivities.  Garrett arguing with me about eating a container of yogurt.  Yes.  Yogurt.  And I was just so done.  Over it.  Over all of it.

And quite frankly?  Not like myself at all.

I vented to a good friend...thank God for Nik...and felt a little better.  I made a to do list.  That helped.

And then Dad came over.  And my boys wanted to watch a movie.  And I looked at my to do list.  And I thought about all my perceived stress and all the things I should be doing.

And I put the movie in, sat down with the boys and Dad, and we all watched it together.

And that, I realize, is just a small part of what that first year was like.  Because even though we were sad, we were together.  And in the end, really...that's all that matters.

As my wise friend likes to say, "don't should all over yourself."

Love,
Kathryn