Dear Mom,

I'm ready.

I'm ready for a new year.

I'm ready for a positive outlook.

I'm ready to really breathe in the good and breathe out the bad.

I'm just...ready.

Happy New Year.

Love,
Kathryn

Dear Mom,

It's the day before Christmas Eve, and I'm actually not stressed.  Everything left to do are things I want to do, and I'm looking forward to.  Yes, even cleaning.

And today as I was cleaning the fourth bedroom in preparation for Michelle...I wouldn't want to sleep in there in the state it was in so I thought some reorganization was in order...imagine my surprise when I discovered that today's post wouldn't really be a letter to you.

Because I found a letter from you to me.

"Dear Kathryn,

It has been quite a journey to this momentous occasion in your life.  There have been so many ups and downs; but, as it is said let us go forth and rejoice in the Lord and the good.  There is so much good for you right now.  I pray it will always continue for you and Paolo together.

I am very proud of the woman you have become!  I admire your warmth, your character, your intelligence, your humor and your courage!

I feel that you have made the best choice for you in your choice of friend, partner, confidant, lover, spouse.

Paolo will always keep you balanced and he will always make you laugh.

You will always give him spontaneity and true happiness and stability.

But, Pumpkin, even when you are both older and all your grandchildren are gathered around you and you are telling "remember when" stores; you will always be my little Pumpkin.

I will always be here for you; even when you can't see me; and I will always love you more than life itself.

Be Happy Together, in God and Always!

Love,
Mommy"

I could not have received a better reminder that your spirit is always with me than your very own words.

Love,
Your Pumpkin

Dear Mom,

Yesterday was rough.  I was.  Not.  Feeling it.  At all.  If you could have summed me up in two words, it would have been meh coupled with a side of rage.  It actually amazes me how angry I can still get about all of this.  And quite frankly, I know it's because anger?  Is way more comfortable an emotion than being sad.  If you're angry, then by god, you're righteous!  You deserve to be angry!  If you're sad, what can you do but curl up in a ball in bed and not come out for days.

Except when you have children, and a family, you can't curl up in a ball in bed and not come out for days.  It's just not an option.  People count on you.  People depend on you.  And that goes beyond the immediate family.

I remember the first Christmas after you died.  It happened to be Garrett's first, so it was happy and sad for all of us, all at the same time.  I remember just being...exhausted.  Not just because I had a new kiddo, but because I couldn't even muster up the strength to do Christmas without you.  And I decided that that year, I was giving myself a free pass.  I didn't "have" to do anything.  I didn't have to do anything.  All those things we think we should do?

I didn't do them.  I did whatever I wanted.  Now believe me, I still bought gifts.  I wrapped them, put them under the tree.  We still hosted, cooking way too much food and having way too many desserts in typical Paolo / Kathryn / family fashion.

I think one of my most vivid memories from that whole holiday season was sitting in Andrea's kitchen while she baked cookies...and her house was warm and inviting and smelled like Christmas...and saying to her, "I think I'll do ________" and then saying, "no.  Nope.  I won't.  I'm not doing anything."

Do you know how liberating that was?  To get the holiday down to its bare essence?  To only focus on the really important things?  The things that mattered?  The people that live in my home, the family we have, and the family we make for ourselves?

Case in point.

Yesterday was a very bad, no good day.  Isn't there a children's book with that in it?  Anyway, it was.  I felt everything piling up.  Financial concerns.  Little things Paolo did or didn't do that annoyed me.  Stress over the coming festivities.  Garrett arguing with me about eating a container of yogurt.  Yes.  Yogurt.  And I was just so done.  Over it.  Over all of it.

And quite frankly?  Not like myself at all.

I vented to a good friend...thank God for Nik...and felt a little better.  I made a to do list.  That helped.

And then Dad came over.  And my boys wanted to watch a movie.  And I looked at my to do list.  And I thought about all my perceived stress and all the things I should be doing.

And I put the movie in, sat down with the boys and Dad, and we all watched it together.

And that, I realize, is just a small part of what that first year was like.  Because even though we were sad, we were together.  And in the end, really...that's all that matters.

As my wise friend likes to say, "don't should all over yourself."

Love,
Kathryn

Dear Mom,

I woke up this morning, started composing another letter to you while still lying in bed, and thought it's really time to start the blog.  And also?  These flannel sheets are really warm.  Target.  $16.99.  Black Friday.  You can't go wrong.  I miss telling you little things like that.

You've been gone for almost three years, and I've been thinking about this blog that whole time.  Every time I think of something I want to tell you...it could be something small, like how awesome those flannel sheets are, or something big, like the fact that this year, Paolo and I finally bit the proverbial bullet and bought into the Disney Vacation Club, something you'd always kicked yourself for not doing.

Let's dwell on that for a little bit, shall we?  Mom!  Paolo and I bought into the Disney Vacation Club for our eleven year wedding anniversary.  And Mom?  We bought in at the Grand Floridian.  The Grand Flo, Mom.  Can you BELIEVE IT???  I'm still in shock.  Number one, that it was actually a smart financial decision, and number two, that if we wanted to, we could stay at the Grand Floridian every time we go to Disney for the next fifty years.  You know how Paolo and I have always done the traditional anniversary gifts?  Well, eleven years is steel.  We figured the structure of our "new home" counted.  I know you'd agree.

And believe me.  I realize that vacation and smart financial decision seems like an oxymoronic concept, but if anyone would understand...it's you.  Remember when we went in December when Amadeo was about three and saw the huge gingerbread house in the lobby?

I don't think I'll ever forget just happening on the kiss goodnight at the castle...or our solo ride on Pirates of the Caribbean while Nana stayed with a sleeping Amadeo...or feeling like a child again when we saw the Osbourne Lights.

I know I'll never forget our last trip together.  January 2010.  I was pregnant with Garrett, and we stayed there.  At the Grand Flo, just you and me.  I'll never forget that our very last ride together was Pirates.  And every morning when we woke up, you said good morning to Garrett (who we didn't know was a Garrett yet and just called jelly bean), and patted my belly.

Every morning.  I wish you could see him now.  I miss you.  I often wonder if you'd find him just as exhausting...but in a good way, of course...as I do.  I wonder what you think of the fact that we named him for you.  That Garrett was the only way I could figure out how to get a boy's name out of Margaret, and actually ended up being the only name Paolo and I could agree on.  I wish that we didn't have to lose you and gain him in the same year.  That you could have had some time with him.  Michelle thinks that you and Granddad met him in heaven before he even was born...and believe me, that would certainly explain some of the Corcoran mischief I see in him.

Now, instead of pops and fruit snacks from Mimi's purse, they come from Mama's.  I'm a mom and a grandmother all rolled into one.  I wish I didn't have to be.  I'd rather have you here to spoil them.  Especially for Christmas.  Amadeo and Garrett are so excited.  I am too.  It's the first time since you passed that I'm actually looking forward to the holiday.

And I think it's really fitting that this letter ended up being about your favorite things: Disney, Christmas, and family.

So keep an eye on us, would you?  I know you are, but believe me, we can all use it.  And Mom?  Merry Christmas.

Love,

Your Pumpkin