Dear Mom,

There were letters I meant to write, letters that I wrote in my head.  I know you know, so it's never really concerning to me whether or not I get on here and actually put it down.

But since early May?  I have not been able to write.  Because I have not known what to say to you.  Right now?  I don't want to be happy that you got Nana back.  That she is heaven with you.  Because now it means I've lost you both.  Regardless of whether or not I feel you with me, your physical presence is gone.  And yes.  There is a part of me that is glad.  Because Nana had to lose so many people in her life, including you.  I think of her with her mother(s), her father, Granddad, and you.  I think of her with all the people we have already lost.

But that means she is not with me.  And although I get my solider on and make it work attitude from you both, there are days when I'm just not feeling it.  I don't know if you can be prepared for someone to die, but if you can, I was with Nana.  We talked about it.  We were open about it.  We didn't let it stop us from making plans or doing what we wanted to together, we didn't focus on it, but we accepted it as a reality.  I just really didn't expect it to be....now.  This year.  In four years, I've lost a mother and two grandmothers.  It's like the matriachal figures in my life as diminishing slowly and now I cherish Aunt Lauretta and my mother in law even more.

I am lucky still.  I know this.  I have an awesome family, an amazing husband, and kids that I feel lucky to be a mother to.  And I have been a mother.  For, well, nine years, I have been a mother.  But what do you do when you are the mother?  When the shift in the family comes to you?  When you worry about what your boys will do when they lose you, instead of worrying about losing other people?  That's my biggest fear.  Leaving my boys before it's time.

I'm determined to be healthy.  I can't count on one hand anymore how many direct family members have had issues with heart health, and so many of you have died because of it.  I'd like the cycle to stop with me.  I'm putting it out in the universe.  I'm not going down without a fight.  I'm running.  I'm working out, I'm eating healthy, and I will lose weight.

And along the way, I will enjoy life.  Every moment, every laugh, every cry, every bit of it.  Because it is all part of it, and that is why we're here.  To live and love, laugh and cry, and be what you taught us to be: a family.

Love,
Kathryn