Dear Mom,

There were letters I meant to write, letters that I wrote in my head.  I know you know, so it's never really concerning to me whether or not I get on here and actually put it down.

But since early May?  I have not been able to write.  Because I have not known what to say to you.  Right now?  I don't want to be happy that you got Nana back.  That she is heaven with you.  Because now it means I've lost you both.  Regardless of whether or not I feel you with me, your physical presence is gone.  And yes.  There is a part of me that is glad.  Because Nana had to lose so many people in her life, including you.  I think of her with her mother(s), her father, Granddad, and you.  I think of her with all the people we have already lost.

But that means she is not with me.  And although I get my solider on and make it work attitude from you both, there are days when I'm just not feeling it.  I don't know if you can be prepared for someone to die, but if you can, I was with Nana.  We talked about it.  We were open about it.  We didn't let it stop us from making plans or doing what we wanted to together, we didn't focus on it, but we accepted it as a reality.  I just really didn't expect it to be....now.  This year.  In four years, I've lost a mother and two grandmothers.  It's like the matriachal figures in my life as diminishing slowly and now I cherish Aunt Lauretta and my mother in law even more.

I am lucky still.  I know this.  I have an awesome family, an amazing husband, and kids that I feel lucky to be a mother to.  And I have been a mother.  For, well, nine years, I have been a mother.  But what do you do when you are the mother?  When the shift in the family comes to you?  When you worry about what your boys will do when they lose you, instead of worrying about losing other people?  That's my biggest fear.  Leaving my boys before it's time.

I'm determined to be healthy.  I can't count on one hand anymore how many direct family members have had issues with heart health, and so many of you have died because of it.  I'd like the cycle to stop with me.  I'm putting it out in the universe.  I'm not going down without a fight.  I'm running.  I'm working out, I'm eating healthy, and I will lose weight.

And along the way, I will enjoy life.  Every moment, every laugh, every cry, every bit of it.  Because it is all part of it, and that is why we're here.  To live and love, laugh and cry, and be what you taught us to be: a family.

Love,
Kathryn

Dear Mom,

So.  Paolo has cleaned and oiled the second sewing machine you had.  The one that I thought didn't work, but does, and is supposed to be perfect for quilting.

I'm really excited to try it and actually really excited that my first project on it will be Tink's quilt.  That seems fitting.  Two amazing, important women in my life and I get to honor them both.  You, for having unknowingly given me this new creative outlet, and Tink for asking me to make a quilt for her.  It's nice to think of something that I make being wanted in someone's home.  That may sound silly, but I don't know if people realize what a compliment it is.

It occurred to me that I never showed you the final picture of the redone chairs.

I'm sure you may have heard the colorful language that accompanied the process, and let me just say, thank God I had Paolo to help.  I can't fathom how I would have done them on my own.

I have to say, that's the first time I've done a project, known that I was pretty much erasing something that you'd done, and I wasn't sad about it.  I think you would have approved.  Actually, I don't think it, I know it.  Remember how hard those chairs were?  Now we all have cush for our bums.  SO nice, especially on holidays and at dinner parties.

Speaking of, I'm having Julie, Michelle, and their respective families over for dinner tomorrow and I cannot wait!  I'm so excited.  Michelle and I reconnected a while ago, and we have unknowningly lived in the same town for the past several years and not realized it.  Thanks to Ellington for being a soccer town and us for signing up our boys because that's how we met again.  I'm looking forward to seeing Julie again too.  It's almost...full circle when your past meets your present.  How everyone is "adults" (ha ha) and has children of their own...it's almost surreal.  Kind of like when Tyran calls me for parenting advice.

Now that's a baby I wish you could have met.  Trent is ADORABLE.  That kid gets cuter every day and I highly doubt that will stop.

Anyway!  Time to sew.

Love,

Kathryn

Dear Mom,

What else?  EESH!!!  It's not just one of those days, it's one of those weeks.

So I started sewing after you passed because Michelle offered me your machine and I said, "I'm going to learn how to sew!"  Ever since you died I've been all about the I can do it mentality.  I can go on a cruise.  I can climb the rock wall.  I can run a 5K.  I can put a blue streak in my hair.

I can do it.  Why not?

So I've been sewing for a while now.

And I'm STILL having problems with your machine.  It's a timing issue.  On the bobbin.  And will run me at least $70-75 to fix.  I know this because I called the sewing machine repair shop and I learned something.  Your machine?  I'm not disparaging, but apparently I've grown past it.

I sew too much.  LOL!!!

There's nothing wrong with your machine...well, besides the timing issue...but it really isn't meant for the level of work I've been doing.

It's time to consider buying something new.  Something "fancier."  More bells and whistles and presser foots and stitch variations and on and on and on.

:::sigh:::

I'm at the point where I realize that you are not the machine...nor are you any of your things that we have kept as mementos...but it's still hard to let it go.  I know Andrea always says that it's not about the thing...it's that I learned how to sew in honor of your memory and that you wouldn't want me to keep something that's not working for me.

It's not working for me.

And right in the middle of Tink's quilt too.  DANGIT.

Tink came down and picked out gorgeous fabric for her quilt.  I was so excited to start on it.  And Garrett picked out all the fabric for his big boy bed.  I can't wait to start on that either.

I know that in the grand scheme, this is a little thing.  But compounded with all the other little things that have gone wrong this week, it feels like a big thing.

I know I need to, but I don't want to pick a new machine.  You know?

But I need to.

Keep moving forward.  Thank you, Uncle Walt. ;)

Love,
Kathryn

Dear Mom,

It's time to recover the dining room chairs.  They are in a sad, sad state.

See the chair on the right?  That's mine.  See how pretty and clean it is?  Yeah.  That chair on the left?  That's Garrett's.  And not to leave Amadeo out of the blame either, his is pretty nasty too.  A word to the wise.  Scotchguard.  Scotchguard.  Scotchguard.  Okay, same word three times, but still.

So Nana and I will be going out this week to look at fabric.  I have one at home that screams hello, 70s!!!  I love it, but Paolo does not, so perhaps it is not the right choice.  I also want to slipcover the pillows on the living room couch.  They are looking sad and boring and one does want a hint of color. 

I'll keep you posted.  Here's to a relatively easy project!  Done in a weekend!  With Scotchguard!  If I can just decide on a fabric.

Also, thanks for Soarin' coming on Live365 multiple times this past week.  I know you're with me.

Love,

Kathryn